It Has Been Made

I am being very self indulgent today.  I am sorry.  As I mentioned previously, I have been struggling day and night, night and day for the past two weeks with a decision I must make.  This has been the hardest journey of my life...and I have had some hard ones.  I also apologize as this may get long.  I've considered doing it in multiple parts but once I begin writing, I sometimes cannot stop.  It may also appear strange to you that I opt to put this in such a public forum.  My reasoning for this is two fold.  1) I pray it will give others insight into something they may never have considered before.  2)  Frankly, I am sometimes a coward.  I would rather write than speak.  I need this weight lifted.  At least as lifted as it's ever going to be.

History:
It sounds strange, I am sure coming from a 53 year old woman, but I am the baby of the family.  From an early age, I self imposed the role of peacekeeper and caretaker upon myself.  I can't stand discord amid my family.  I had a lily  white view of my childhood and my family.  I loved my parents, my siblings and my life.
As early as 19, I began worrying about my parents.  I was living in Alaska at the time but opted to come back here, to be close to them, if they ever needed my help.  Over the years I helped.  Both of them.  Then my father died and I helped my mom.  I adopted a special needs son.  He needed me in more ways than you can imagine.  I adopted a special needs daughter.  She needed me.  Then my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer and came to live with my daughter and I until she passed away in my bedroom.  We were close.  I miss her.  And I became somewhat lost.  I am still lost.  The family dynamics I had grown up with had changed.  I made some mistakes.  My daughter continues to need me but not in the same intensity and all consuming way she once did.  I prayed.  For guidance.  For answers.   For the path I was to follow.

Two Weeks Ago:
I received a call one day from the county where I live.  I was asked if I'd consider adopting some siblings.  Not two, not three but six. Yes, six.  I didn't give it a second thought before I knew I would seriously consider it.  I saw their photos.  Six of the most beautiful, perfect special needs children.  My breath was stolen in that moment and in that moment, they became a part of me.  It was like looking at my long lost family.  I immediately got giddy with the idea of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas with 9 instead of 3.  Like I grew up with.  A houseful of fun and love at holidays.  I'm not sure I'll ever have grandchildren so wouldn't this be an answer to that?  My heart was ready and willing and jumping at the chance.

I spoke to family and friends.  They all listened.  They all offered support.  I know many held their tongues.  They knew the decision had to be mine and mine alone.  I'm sure some questioned my ability.  So do I.  But I can assure everyone, those kids would be loved like no other.

Today:
I ran the numbers.  Cooking for 8 three times a day.  Laundry for 8.  I'd need a new vehicle, a bus perhaps. Dr's. appointments for 8.  School meeting for 8.  Paperwork for 8 (a huge endeavor with special needs children).  I'd be 69 when the last one graduates.

I thought of Becky.  I thought of TJ.  How would they feel?  I think I know the answers yet I am the one that has to weigh all of the pros and cons.  I am the one that has to make the decision.

I had to ask if this was the answer to my prayers.  Was this my chosen path.

And the children.  All siblings.  I can. not. stand. the. thought. of. them. being. separated. again.  As corny as it sounds.  I love them all.  Each and every one of them.

I'm tough.  Maybe too tough sometimes.  I know I have enough love to give.

The con, I'm 53.  Would it be fair to them to give them an "old" Mom?

I am not going to do it.  I WILL regret it for the REST of my life.

To my friends and family:  Unless you can handle a flood gate of tears, let's not talk about it anymore.  I love you all but can only tell my story once.

Thanks to everyone for hanging in here through my story.