Friday, December 3, 2010

A Mother's Heart

I have been absent for awhile and as most of you know,
with good reason.
My heart has been very heavy with the current health issues facing my daughter.
I know you can relate when I say I have been a bundle of nerves,
having butterflies in my tummy, feeling like I can't move, feeling hallow inside and at times, I feel like I can't breath.

I've been through some pretty tough times in my life.
I never, ever questioned how I would get through them.
I always have chosen to put one foot in front of the other.
I adopted the practice of focusing on one day at a time.
At other times, I reduced it to making it an hour at a time, a minute at a time,
and now, a second at a time.
For the most part,
I've kept these times to myself.
Everyone has enough to worry about in their own lives...
I'd be OK and didn't want to be a bother.

That all changed last Saturday.
That was the day I learned of my daughter's blood clot.
Just typing that last line makes me want to vomit.
I'm sorry.  But it does.
I did something I've never done before.
I went public.
I put out a call for prayers for my daughter.
And you've been praying.
And I thank you.

We'll be OK.
I'm sure of that.
But it will be a long road. 
It looks like it might even be a lifelong battle for her.
But she's tough.
She's been braver than me through all of this.
My daughter has an amazing ability to assure those that are flailing.
Most of you don't see that side of her.
Those of you that have, know what I'm talking about.

We've been running from appointment to appointment this week.
More of the same next week.
We're tired.
For me, it easier to keep busy.
All Christmas gifts are wrapped.
This weekend will be a weekend of Christmas baking with a friend.

I can't imagine what a parent does when their child is
diagnosed with a fatal disease.
I'm sure I'd die.
Yet, everyday, we are surrounded by an army
of parents that forge ahead.
They never give up.
They are a lesson to us all.
To those parents, I pray for you.
For healing.
For strength.

I wasn't sure I should do this blog.
I hate to be a Debbie Downer.
But last night, I was awakened by being tapped on the shoulder.
I think it was you praying for me and God letting me know he was there.
Writing helps me.
So here I am.
Thanks for the nudge.
It helps.


Kandi said...

I'm glad you chose to blog about this...writing is so therapeutic and your friends here want to support you and your family! Praying for all of you...

Anonymous said...

prayers continue! keep your writing and sharing going and may it help lesson the load on your shoulders and the ache in your heart. and rest assured, my dear sweet friend, you are NEVER a burden!

love you to pieces

Kayla said...

I too am glad you decided to "go public". I understand what you are talking about too. There was a time when A-Man was about a year old and ended up at Children's Hospital in Minneapolis because he suddenly lost his motor functions (could crawl or pull himself to stand up) which he had been doing for quite a while. Thankfully he was only there 2 days and got better. They decided that it was a strange virus that had attacked his joints. Anyway, I remember the wake-up call of the parents that had been there for months - the kids with the permanently decorated rooms - and handing my baby over to the doctors for tests and them not letting me go with because they were going to put him to sleep and they find that is very hard for parents to watch!!! I am thankful, thankful, thankful that all 6 are healthy, strong, kids!

You, my dear, are anything but a Debbie Downer. I am taking this post as a reminder that I have been pretty complacent lately and I should bring myself back to that day at Children's with A-Man and how scared I was and transfer all that fear - into what is now a thankful heart!

The other thing I remember thinking during our 2 days there was about the siblings of all those sick kids and the poor parents being torn between being there for the sick one and also being there for the innocent ones at home!

Okay, now I am the Debbie Downer. But, really, this is a good post and don't think a second about bringing us down because we have our own problems - God can use something like this to bring about a change of heart!

Anonymous said...

Can't really find the right words, but you do. And it wasn't Debbie Downer, it was sharing...which you do so well. Thinking about you.

Valerie said...

A friend shared this prayer with me. I offer it now for you when you can't breathe.

Lord, when my soul is weary
and my heart is tired and sore,
and I have that failing feeling
that I can't take it any more;
then let me know the freshening
found in simple, childlike prayer,
when the kneeling soul knows surely
that a listening Lord is there.

We are praying for you and Becky.
Love, Jim and Valerie

Heidi said...

You walked a long hard road with me, I will gladly walk this one with you and Becky.