Thursday, July 1, 2010

In a Mood

"I used to be somebody,
but now I'm somebody else.
I used to be somebody,
but now I'm somebody else.
Who'll I'll be tomorrow,
is anybody's guess."
Taken from Crazy Heart

I hope I'm not boring you with my quotes from this movie.  I can't seem to help myself.  Something in that movie really touched me in ways that are somewhat hard to express.  I apologize up front if this post is too self indulgent.

I wonder though, do any of you feel the same way?  Or have you ever felt the same way?
I often listen to people describe their teenage years that were or are filled with angst.  They felt awkward, insecure and not sure of who they were and where they belonged.  I loved my teenage years.  I was not popular but I had so much fun.  I threw myself into just about any activity I could, even though I was horribly shy.  No surprise, I was never into sports.  But there was so much more than sports "back then."  I was a Future Homemaker of America (how un-polictially correct today), I sang in the choir, I danced,  I worked on the yearbook, I acted in plays, I did the make up for casts in plays, I did as much as I could.  After school, I rode bike, played the guitar or rode snowmobiles when time permitted.  Life was good in McGregor, MN.  Life was easy. 
I was somebody.

I spent two weeks in Alaska after I graduated high school.  I fell in love with the people and country, and I think, it was the only time I was ever truly "in love with someone."  I made a deal with my Mom and Dad...I would try college and if I didn't like it, I could move to Alaska.  I spent one year in college and moved to Alaska.  As they say, "those were the days."  I don't think I've ever been happier.  I missed my family though so I returned home.  I worked at a bank and it wasn't long before I was married and moving to the Twin Cities.
I was somebody else.

I waited until I was 28 to have children.  As usual with me, it wasn't done the "conventional way" but I was  led to adoption by God and it  was the greatest gift I have ever received.  I never, not once, not for a second questioned why I couldn't "birth" children.  I knew this is how it was to be.  I elected to adopt children that were not easily placed...those that had "Special Needs."  Although, I don't believe it was their special needs that led me to them, I believe it was MY special needs that brought us together.  I had my son.  Eight years later, I had my daughter.  I was blessed.
I was somebody.

Then came a divorce.  My kids and I dubbed ourselves "The Three Musketeers."  We were going to be OK.  There were many trials and tribulations along the way but out of that came faith and strength.   I've never been very good at anything but I learned I am a "Mother Bear."  I am an advocate for my children.  If  that's all I accomplish in this life, I will be satisfied.  TJ moved out, a few years later, my mom moved in.  I cared for her in her final days.  I lost her.  I knew life would never, ever be the same.
I was somebody else.

The future is uncertain.  I really have no idea where I am headed.  Not sure how I'll get there.  Sometimes it looks a little dark ahead...a little scary.  I know I"ll be OK, even if..
"Who I'll be is anybody's guess."


Anonymous said...

i believe you will become you=)


Anonymous said...

I would love to hear more about the Alaska time of your life....why didn't I know any of this when I lived in the same place as you, huh? And, why weren't you singing in choir?????


Jill said...

Ummm..cause I've never been a good singer and now I'm really bad! lol!